I had a nightmare last night. It was a really bad one. I woke up around 3-4 am with tears in my eyes, for the 2nd time in my entire life. Stephie had woken up too and she asked me what was wrong. I was so confused and I was just not feeling okay. The dream was so fucked up, and when I went back to sleep, it continued. I woke up at 5 again really furstrated, but soo thankful to see her by my side. I was staring at her for about 40 minutes this time... cause I didn't wake her up. She looks soo prettiful when she's sleeping. I just wanted to kiss her all over but I didn't want to wake her up so I just kept staring at her. Even that makes me fall more in love with her.

When I got out of bed, I was talking to Jeremy about my nightmare, because he was awake. What I said to him:

I remember seeing Steph in my living room bleeding to death in Jase's arms. Someone had slit her wrists (because she'd never do anything like that to herself), and Chantal was hysterical crying because the ambulance wasn't coming. I was so confused, and shocked, I didn't know what was going on. My gramma was there too, and the first thing she said to me was "go save her"... but how could I have saved her? I didn't know what to do. I remember I ran off to Jase crying, to try and get her in my arms. I was screaming for help and at some point me and Jase took her in the car, to try and get her to the hospital. He was driving and Chan was on the front seat still crying, while I was still holding Steph on the backseats of the car. I was telling her to hold on cause everything would get better, that no one could hurt her anymore cause I was there and that I loved her. She was just crying & telling me she loved me too...

... and I woke up.

God... that was a horrible dream. I just felt so helpless and I felt like cutting my own wrists too so I could die as well. I just could never bare to watch anyone I love die, especially her. That's my greatest fear too, losing people I love.. losing her. I just can't ever lose her in that way. I was (still am) so freaked out by that nightmare, that I didn't want Steph to get out of my sight today/this morning. I even drove her to college because I didn't want her to drive alone. The weather is really bad here...

And before she went in her class this morning I kept hugging & kissing her for ages (& so was she actually) because I didn't want to let go. She's been in my head since then and even now, I think of her all the time... like every other second. I just want to be with her all day today. but that's not possible, and that's why I'm here right now. I still smell like her though. So do my pillows.... blanket... my whole bed does and all my clothes too. And you know what? I don't mind at all. In fact, I love it because this is my favorite smell in the whole world.

I'm so glad I found you, I'm not gonna lose you, whatever it takes to stay here with you - The Ataris

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